I'm feeling weird lately, like my future is hazy and its crapping me out. I know everybody gets days where they feel useless and scared about what the future will bring them, where either they feel like they have no career driven future, or if they do, scared of where and when it will take them, but I've been feeling the heat a lot lately and it aint great.What will I do when I get home? Do I want to go home? WHAT IS HOME?
Bjorn, in a sense, is my home, and therefore wherever he is, is where home will be, but that's not the home I'm talking about. I'm talking about home. I'm talking about New Zealand. Atleast I think that's still my home?
I think traveling has fucked me up a bit, and I'm a tad confused and scared about what's around the bend. I know that its natural to be confused and out of sorts at my age, I mean isn't that what the twenties are all about, but WHY? I feel a constant cloud of dread hovering and I just want it to piss the hell off. I mean I can't make a decision based on NOTHING. I can't turn around and change everything based on a maybe, it has to be definite and I don't know what the definite is.
My Canadian visa is up August 2007. Do I want to stay in Vancouver, do I want to get a better job and find sponsorship? I don't know, but I don't think so. I really like Vancouver, I think its a fantastic city, but I think I need to give New Zealand another chance, well, a real chance, not really another. I do miss home, I miss my family, I miss my friends(whoever they are these days?). I don't remember the person I was when I lived there, I can't find any connections (other than family/friends) that make me feel much about New Zealand anymore, and that scares me. Am I going to be happy when I get home? What am I going to do? Will it be my last stop?
All this rough and tumble is making me think about what I want to do NOW. I like my job, but I think if I stay here much longer, I might just get too comfortable and then just stay, which honestly, would be a waste of mine and Bjorn's time here (and the money sucks). This is about
What's the next step?